Spinal surgery is serious stuff and it’s important you get your rehabilitation right. This plan may not be for everyone so you should check with your spouse first and your surgeon second. That’s what my husband did and now I’m sharing his very own Speed Bump Your Way Back From Spinal Surgery® plan. This means that you too can bounce back from an L4-L5 fusion to almost pain-free fitness and health in weeks.
The first step is to set up your surgery so it’s geographically as far away as possible. That way you won’t be bothered by a doting partner, children or any family members who may try to corrupt you with 14-year old Oban whiskey. In order to accomplish this, you must orchestrate a stressful international move, relocate to the other side of the world no more than ONE (1) month before the surgery date, and then return to the previous country by yourself for the surgery. It’s really important to try to squish these two events as closely together as possible for maximum recovery incentive.
If you follow Joe’s easy 237-step plan Speed Bump Your Way Back From Spinal Surgery®, you’ll move to Toronto in June and schedule your spinal surgery for July in Brisbane Australia. This way you’ll be able to squeeze in an extra 20 hours of mid-air episodes of Blindspot and time everything so that your humongous MAERSK shipping container with all your worldly goods arrives from Australia when you are still convalescing in the serviced apartment of your choice. Et voila! You’re entire house will be magically unpacked upon your return. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Obviously, when it comes to spinal surgery recovery, timing is everything. Each detail must be organized and executed to have the greatest effect on your family so they too can be recruited to your recovery needs. Start as you mean to carry on: make sure your surgery is scheduled for the middle of the night in your family’s timezone and ensure ample delays so your spouse and children stay up all night worrying about you. This will endear you to them and encourage them to use your home office as the room for the new pet bunnies, so upon your return you’ll be greeted with the fresh aroma of rabbit pee. No need to worry about your spouse: your dog will take over your side of the bed and keep her rip-roaring, coughing and snoring company. She’ll never know you left!
As you’re rolled out of surgery and head into the Post Op recovery room it’s crucial that you start thinking about work through your morphine-induced haze as soon as possible.
NB: Setting up your dream job in the new country is key to Joe’s Speed Bump Your Way Back From Spinal Surgery® recovery plan. Don’t settle for one of those boring jobs with a cashed up multinational that will give you five weeks off work and leave you twiddling your thumbs. Become Managing Director for a Little Lithium Start Up company! This way the buck stops with you and you will have no time to think about what’s going on anywhere below the current position of your company’s bottom line.
Because you’ll be working in your jimjams as soon as you can focus on your right hand, your recovery time will be slashed. Just picture yourself in your hospital room, typing away at your laptop, kneeling on the tile floor at a counter in the only comfortable position you can find! Think of the joy as you accomplish task after task for your budding company with only occasional twinges of knee pain as you try to lever yourself away from the counter and hobble to the toilet.
Don’t miss out, buy Joe’s Speed Bump Your Way Back From Spinal Surgery® now! With this up-to-date plan your recovery will zoom along and be back at the Brisbane office within a week. That gives you lots of time to mingle with the sickies spreading the flu, develop a high fever and chesty cough, and jet back to the other side of the world. All ahead of the doctor’s schedule!
A long haul flight is a great way to test your tolerance for pain: you can bump bump bump in the taxi and stand in line after line dragging your luggage while people bang their pink oversize suitcases into you. Just when you think the fun will never end, you get to sit on a plane, or two, for 20 hours! If you’re like Joe and don’t need anaesthetic before the dentist drills into your teeth and nerve endings, you may want to upgrade to business class so you can work even more while hunched over your laptop and truly revel in your inability to get comfortable.
In order to recover quickly, you’ve got to stay moving, stay busy, or get really sick so once you arrive back in Toronto, make sure you’re so ill you can’t get out of bed for three days. If your wife or partner insists on driving you to the doctor’s surgery, try not to resist. As soon as the antibiotics kick in, you can start stacking the heavy book boxes your wife kindly left out for you so you wouldn’t feel deprived of the whole moving experience.
Staying jet-lagged and friendless for as long as possible is also crucial to your recovery, so make sure you leave Toronto right away. Don’t hang around for any more than two weeks. Friends might start calling, feel sorry for you and take you out for beer. This is not good for recovery! Remember: Stay on the move, get busy or get sick. These guiding rules will see you through.
Obviously, you need another long-haul flight to keep your mind off things. Fly the cheapest airline to China to save money for your Little Lithium Start Up company, then head back to Australia for a few meetings and some Vegemite. Hit London on your return. All this flying around the world for Urgent Work Meetings is mandatory for your recovery: you’ll be so busy trying to raise money for your Little Lithium Start Up, any lingering pain will just float away.
Now, it’s really important during this entire process that you ensure the Federal Government does their utmost to keep your mind off back pain by providing you with timely distractions. You’ll find that every bureaucracy is more than happy to comply and will capably introduce errors onto your Permanent Residency card. This simple strategy will make you forget your discomfort because you and your wife or partner will have to spend hours trying to fix it and get you back in the country. The great news is you will make new friends at the MP’s office and you will be lightened of any remaining cash by paying an immigration lawyer even more.
On this simple 237-step plan, there is no need to waste money on costly physiotherapy or chiropractors. Joe’s Speed Bump Your Way Back From Spinal Surgery® has just introduced the new Demolition Rehabilitation add-on, all done in the comfort of your century old home. You’ll discover the joys of using a sledge hammer and crow bar to remove lath and plaster walls and lift floors that were built to hide the original staircase. You’ll sweat out the last of your pain medication as you wield heavy bins to the ever growing rubbish pile on the basement floor. All this will be amply rewarded with the discovery of original wallpaper and a feeling of almost pain-free accomplishment.